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Not that long ago I wrote 10 Surefire Ways To Be A Christian A-hole. Yes, I did. If you read it, you’ll see I’m very aware of my own shortcomings. Such is the case here. I’m not the perfect friend, which is how I so easily came up with this list in the first place! So read on… with sarcastic non-judgmental eyes. Yes, that’s a thing.

Screen Shot 2015-07-07 at 1.08.24 AMSo, how about you? Looking to lose a good friend? Herein lies 10 surefire ways to make it happen! You’re welcome! Also, satire, people, satire. #lightenup 

1. Gossip to her & about her.  Tell her what’s wrong with all your other friends. Tell others what’s wrong with her. Ugh. She can be SO annoying because she’s SO nice. All the time. Play mind games. Girls love this stuff. I mean, she’s such a ‘goodie-goodie’ she certainly won’t tell anybody & you can get it the juice details off your chest. Shew! You already feel better, don’t ya?

2. Don’t return messages. Like ever. Everybody slips up ‘once in a while’, and this friend of yours totally knows that you got her text – why should you have to actually respond? And she knows you. She no longer expects to you respond, right? Not everybody can be Miss Congeniality or Polly McPlannerstein. You’re playing Level 725 on Candy Crush – the girl can WAIT!

3. Forget her big day.  You’ve gotten so caught up in school, work & Pinterest that you just completely slipped up. Rats! Rather than admitting that you screwed up though, just go ahead and pretend the big day didn’t really exist next time you see her and well, talk about…

4. Only talk about yourself. What you did last night. How stressed you are about your future. Where you’re going on vacation & how you just like totally have to get rid of these tan lines before hitting the beach. All the foods you can & can’t eat now that you are gluten, dairy, GMO, lactose, and flavor free. Oh, and you just must have a sounding board for your relationship issues. She is SUCH a great listener!!! (and between you & me, her life must be boring because she like never talks about it! Go figure!)

5. Cancel plans. Regularly. I mean, hey, you’re a busy, spontaneous kind of girl! She needs to just understand that sometimes things are gonna get in the way of your friendship & you might just have something better to do. She’s your friend, she knows you’re a flight risk, so she’ll get over it. Again.

6. Lie. Lie because like Tom Cruise she can’t handle the truth, even though she’s asking for an honest answer. You know her better than she knows herself, right?

7. Send her on a guilt trip. Be sure to call her names, cry actual tears if you have to, but THIS TIME she needs to know what an awful person she is for not doing what you wanted her to do. Give her a taste of her own medicine. That’s right, teach her a lesson. Haven’t heard from her when you thought she should call/text you? Didn’t like her opinion? Definitely let her know how hurt you are by screaming at her.

{word of wisdom because I can’t help myself: if you want your friend to talk to you when you’re struggling, swallow your pride & CALL HER YOURSELF! Actually SAY the words, “Girlfriend, I need you right now, like, for real.” Then if she doesn’t respond – see Point #2 – you’ll know she’s just really not into this relationship or is very possibly going through her own crisis. Remember to give the grace you want her to give to you. Nobody likes a relationship where you have to jump through invisible, constantly twirling hoops to maintain it. Also, don’t be a meanie when you don’t get her attention. It will backfire. Backfire is never a good thing.}

9. Don’t compliment her, for heaven’s sake. Sure she’s down on herself, but complimenting her outfit (that you secretly adore & know would look better on you) will go to her head & she’ll probably become all stuck on herself and forget you exist. Definitely keep compliments to yourself.

8. Give her the silent treatment. Make her wonder why she doesn’t deserve your attention. If she doesn’t know, she should! Ignoring her at the party will certainly help her figure it out. Duh.

10. Never say I’m sorry. In fact, don’t admit that you had any part in hurting her, even when she says you did because it’s just her insecurities. Tell her to suck it up, buttercup. Life’s hard.

So do you agree with this list? What would you add?

We all know there comes a point where friends just grow apart, have different interests, different schedules, etc. Do your best, however, when you do see each other, to pick up where you left off. It doesn’t have to be complicated!  Just enjoy each other’s company, for the love. If both of you can do this, you’ve got yourself one heck of a friend and you should tell them so!

Shine On! {and go hug a friend}

Danielle