There’s been very few times in my life that I’ve been more aware of how weak I am.
I can’t say I ever walk around uber-confident or super close to God… but the past few weeks, faced with people & situations that seem beyond ‘fixable’ I am more acutely aware of how frail I am.
I find myself wanting to run away from the daily struggles that remind me of my frailty; to escape the magnifying glass of challenges, mistakes and failures…
I see my husband’s heart for orphaned and at-risk children, and join him in his desire to do more, to give our plans, our lives to answer the call of Isaiah 1:17, “Learn to do right, seek justice; Defend the oppressed, take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.”
We’re both sick of life as usual and spending our time doing things that don’t have eternal significance. Yet the doors just haven’t opened for us to give our full-time attention to it so we sit with this desire for ‘more’, trying to be content where we are and faithful at our current jobs. Waiting is not our speciality.
The expanse between where we are and where we want to be seems too wide and too deep. The battle between reality & desire rages on and it has taken a toll on all of our relationships. It’s in these battles that I want to retreat and RUN for comfort and peace anywhere I can find it… usually into the arms of Facebook and chocolate.
Then I see my ten year old son, who was diagnosed with a form of autism called Aspergers Syndrome (AS), being left out & bullied at school because he’s weird and literally doesn’t know how to be a friend. Our family of four often walks on pins & needles not knowing when or where the chaos of AS will explode. I long to protect him not just from others, but from himself.
I’ve put off getting him the help he needs outside of school for several reasons, but mostly because I’ve been in denial & not willing to invest money I don’t have for the tools of therapy and other things he needs. I think to get him the help he truly needs, it will take every ounce of my time & strength and that there will be nothing left of me.
Someone slap me! How selfish!
I seriously don’t think anyone can understand unless they have a child with special needs, how heartbreaking & lonely it can be for the entire family as they discover how to adapt and live so their child can learn and thrive.
I guess I just poured out my guts to you because I want to be vulnerable and stop denying that I am too weak to handle life’s curve balls. Don’t you ever get sick of pretending you’re okay?
The past three days especially, I’ve wanted to r.u.n. But unlike the days before, I’ve r.a.n. to Jesus. I’ve been crying out, “God!!!! I suck!!!!! I can’t get it together!!!!” (I think God likes it when we talk to Him as a friend, and not try to impress Him with religious vocabulary.) And do you know what God says? Well, nothing audible at this point, but I’ve been drawn more to the Word – to read His love letters to me
…to rest in Him
…to seek Him (not His plan)
…to fall in love with Him again (and not settle for phony fixes).
He’s reminding me that I am supposed to be weak. When I’m weak and I run TO Him, He takes that weakness, that humility that says “I can’t do it without You, God” and He infuses His peace, His comfort, and His strength to get through what life brings. This is what I want my husband and sons to see – Christ’s strength working through my weak hands & faint heart to pour His love through to them and others.
So instead of running away & hiding our weaknesses, lets all step back and realize God isn’t keeping score on how well we hold it all together. He’s waiting (with open arms) for us to run to Him, acknowledging our brokenness, surrendering our definition of strength, and trust Him for the journey and the outcome.
Has life gotten messy & confusing for you too? Are you waiting for a door of opportunity to open? Where do you run to when you are at your weakest?