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10 Surefire Ways to be a Christian A-hole.

I know what you’re thinking, Dear Christian who loves Jesus a whole lot, “Remove the bulging tree trunk out of your own eye, girlfriend, before you try & tell me how to get the sawdust out of my own! Who do you think you are? Jamie The Very Worst Missionary?” {trust me, I’m so not that cool}

I almost didn’t post this because it’s kinda rude & I’m a scaredy cat. Aren’t Christians supposed to love each other? Isn’t this part of the problem – Christians smearing each other? Well yes, it is. But here’s the exact reason I’m posting this satirical list.

**Y’all, we Christ-followers desperately need to lighten up!!!**

I realize behind each one of these things that make us look like A-holes is a genuine desire to show love, to do good, to represent Jesus to the world. I get it. I just think we’ve gotten ourselves wound up so tightly we often forget how to relax and relate to & BE real people when we’re in public.

Screen Shot 2015-05-10 at 10.30.34 PM…We’ve put ‘Christianity’ on a pedestal instead of Christ on the throne.

…We’ve become Bodyguards instead of the Body of Christ.

…We’ve become His police officers instead of His peace offerings.

…and we’re failing miserably because we weren’t made for this!

We look like jerks. A-holes, in fact.

There’s a whole generation of young people who see the Church not as the safe haven it should be, but as an abusive, judgmental, stiff-necked clique that they’ll never fit into. So why try?

I came up with this list rather quickly because I have decades of experience being a decorated Christian A-hole. And I’m still working on lightening up. When we lighten up, guess what happens? We LIGHTEN up – Christ’s LIGHT shines more brightly through us when we relax & let go of our legalistic lists.

Turns out being a peace-offering & a regular folk is SO liberating. Being vulnerable & authentic, (instead of Judgy McJudgerson) has opened up a whole new world of friendships to me… ones I never would’ve let in 15 years ago. You know, cuz I was still waving my banner of bitchiness (is that a word?) holiness, but instead I was miserable & lonely. Jesus was like, ‘Lighten UP, girl! This is exhausting!’ 

So without further ado, here’s 10 surefire ways to be a Christian A-hole. You’re welcome. 

  1. "Worst. Joke. Ever." said Jesus.

    “Worst. Joke. Ever.” said Jesus.

    Be demanding to the ‘lowly’ people serving you… especially Sunday after church so your server will KNOW you are in fact a Christian A-hole. Doesn’t she know you are a child of the Most High God and should be treated as such? You require excellence & will settle for nothing else!! If your food comes out cold, or she forgets an item, by all means leave her a Jesus tract instead a tip. That’ll teacher her. This same advice works great with the stewardess, the nurse, receptionist, and custodial staff.

  1. If you’re in ministry leadership or are a ‘Christian Boss’, definitely remind those whom are under your authority that they are IN fact under your authority. Preach submission & remind them God speaks to & through you. This must be done from the pulpit & also in the conference room… so everyone knows his or her place. Wouldn’t want the youth pastor or VP of Sales to get a big head and make you look bad… Jesus put you in charge, not them.
  1. Hang out only with like-minded Christians. After all, those other religions and denominations probably are diluted and only preach half-truths. It’s not worth the risk. You KNOW your church is preaching the full Gospel. Even within your congregation, make a point of criticizing those who are different from you… “We really need to pray for Sally Sue. She is being a stumbling block to the men of the church in that short skirt! Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to avoid the appearance of evil, bless her little heart.” Seek God for wisdom on how to tell Sally Sue she’s not representing Jesus.
  1. Stand outside the gay bar, proudly show off your neon picket signs that read “Homosexuality sends you to Hell.’ & ‘God HATES Fags’ because people come to Jesus when we shame them into it.
  1. Regularly share political status updates on social media, making sure to exclaim in ALL CAPS how CONSERVATIVES are RIGHT! Argue your position in ALL comment threads. And while you’re at it, you should also post a MeMe photo depicting President Obama as a literal jackass so people know how serious you are about your love for God & this nation.
  1. The Word of God is a Sword. It says so in Ephesians. Be vigilant to wield your Sword wherever, whenever necessary, to stab people with truth. The truth sets them free after all. You, sweet Christian A-hole, can’t help it if the truth hurts, right?
  1. If a family decides to leave your church, by all means, don’t speak to them lest they assume you support their foolish decision. How dare they make your pastor look bad!!! In fact, if you’re smart you’ll tell them the truth upfront. Let them know if you see them in public places you plan to turn the other cheek by ignoring they exist. Hey, you’re just being a proactive Christian A-hole. Bless your heart.
  1. Judge others by their actions, but yourself by your best intentions. Assume they too are an A-hole. Give no room for grace. People will have no reason to change if they aren’t ‘called’ on their discretions.They cut you off in traffic, you best tell them by riding their bumper & giving them the ‘I hate you’ look. Once you speed past them, they’ll see your Christian Fish emblem and realize Jesus wants them to act better. I swear, this world is going to hell in a hand basket! Thank God for Christian bumper stickers!

    Honk if you Love Jesus!

    Honk if you Love Jesus!

  1. Assume the poor are lazy, dumb people who just don’t want to get up and go to work everyday like you do. I mean, after all, you work hard for your money. They are the screw ups! You’ve pinched your pennies & nobody ever gave you anything. You’ll be damned if you give it away to hooligans (either on the street corner or in a third-world country) who are probably just gonna spend it on alcohol & sex anyway.
  2. Get your family so busy with your church activities that you don’t have time to mingle with ‘sinners’. Your children are safer in a Biblical Bubble. As you know, God’s Word says we are to be in the world, but we are not ‘of’ it. You wouldn’t want sinners to pull you down to their level. Snub your nose at your neighbors… ya know, the ones who have tattoos, drink too much, cuss like sailors, and are authentically themselves. Jesus has called you to do His work, not waste your time with these sinful shenanigans. You have been set apart.
What the Lord requires...

What the Lord requires…

Well, there you have it! Wow, being a Christian A-hole seems exhausting, doesn’t it? Trust me, it is. I hope you read this with a light heart & don’t send me Jesus hate mail. Now excuse me while I go remove the very large plank from my own eye.

Shine On & Lighten Up!

Danielle