Archives For narcissist

If you love drama as much as I do, here’s some solid advice on creating it & keeping it!

Screen Shot 2015-07-09 at 6.46.26 PM1. Be a fixer. Get up in everybody’s business. Hear somebody has a problem? Go get your cape… SuperFixer to the rescue! Your immediate family can just wait. Kids these days have gotta learn patience anyway, right?

2. Don’t just read the countless online posts about religion & politics. You simply must take time to read the comments as well. You’ll have certainly found drama & a multitude of opinions…. and possibly a few new vulgar words you didn’t even know existed. The comment section is not only very educational, you can bet your butt you’ll get a great dose of humanity in all its dramatic flare. You went looking for drama and boy, you went to the RIGHT place! #fistbump

3. Be easily offended hurt & hold a grudge. Don’t sleep tonight so you can play over & over again in your mind how this person has wronged you. And they THINK they’ve gotten away with it! Pfffttt! Being offended (aka pissed off) creates its own form of drama; the over-emotional, angry, manipulative kind of drama because people won’t see it coming! {Cue sinister laugh. See I got your back, DramaLover}

You need to give them a piece of your mind, girlfriend. You’re tired of rude people in the grocery store, on the highway, in your house & at Christmas dinner.  I say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! After all, you can’t just let people walk all over you. That ‘turn the other cheek’ thing Jesus said, that was just conjecture or a parable or something. You’re the victim here, and it’s time everybody knows it!

4. Stay glued to CNN, FOX news, and MSNBC which I’ve heard stands for More Snooty Nonsense by Creeps.  And if this isn’t enough, by all means, please keep dear Nancy Grace & her adorable southern charm blaring through your house all day, bless her heart. It’ll create just enough tension in your home sweet home to send at least one kid crying to their room. You’re welcome.

5. Be a narcissist. Wikipedia (a trusted news source) defines a narcissist as one who is excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige, is vain and mentally unable to see the destructive damage they are causing to themselves and others. Yes, definitely strive to be one of these people.

6. On the other end of the dramatic spectrum… Try to make everyone like you. Because as a narcissist you know deep down they adore you. I mean, who couldn’t, right?

Say yes to every volunteer opportunity both at your child’s school & at church. Oh, and volunteer to lead a committee which will plan every single detail of your town’s upcoming Friendly City Days. You simply must do these things so that people will KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are a good person! Be prepared though by purchasing lots of Kraft Mac & Cheese, frozen pizzas and canned peas because your family won’t be seeing much of you. That’s alright, they love you no matter what.

7. Go into debt. Big debt. This is America, right? Home of the Free? You bet your Chase Credit Card it is! You are meant to live the American Dream, so why wait til you can afford it. That’s what credit card companies are for. Duh.

8. Spend your hard-earned money on you & yours. All of it. And also some you don’t have. See #7. You worked your a$$ off and hell will freeze over before you consider giving it to those who most likely will buy booze with it. They got themselves into the mess, let them get themselves out. And seriously, are kids really starving in Africa? It’s a marketing scam to make non-profit CEOs richer. CNN said so.

9. Be impulsive. Say whatever comes into your brain before you lose the thought. People love people with no filter and talk incessantly.

10. Hang out with people who love drama. Birds of a feather, man. Birds of a feather.

Here’s me again in my non-sarcastic self. It doesn’t last long so I’ll say this quickly (oh, see what I did there? darn it!) Seriously I hope you’re enjoying these Surefire blog posts and reading them with a light heart. I would LOVE your input and ideas! How do you avoid create drama in your life? We all do it! We might as well laugh at ourselves… or each other. That works too.

Shine On!

Danielle 

ps. stay tuned. My next post will not be satirical. But I do want to share a huge opportunity with you to help make some big dreams come true for some of my friends. No, it’s not an MLM. #pinkyswear